Monday, April 23, 2012

My Mind is Racing

So, last week I told my lifesaver, my babysitter Emma, that I won’t be using her anymore on a regular basis starting in September.  Dave and I made this decision because the girls will be in a nursery school program four mornings a week, from 9:30-12:15.  We felt this is more than enough time for me to get done errands and the gym and have a break so that I’m super excited to be Kayla and Zoey’s mommy in the afternoons.  At least, this is what Dave believes!  And to be honest, I know he’s right and I can’t justify keeping Emma when literally the girls will be gone from 9:30-12:15, come home for lunch, probably still take a nap until 3 and go to bed between 7 and 8pm.  Or can I?!

I’ve been trying really hard to do just that, rationalize keeping Emma.  But, that has gotten my mind stirring and now I can’t seem to quiet it down.  I can’t stop thinking.  What am I thinking about you might want to know?  Everything and I keep going in circles too!  Someone could totally get lost in my head lately.  Here’s the jist of it though, the best that I can explain it:

I’m super nervous not to have help and I think that is selfish of me, but I just can’t help it!  I have been lucky enough to have help with the girls since they came home from the hospital.  Literally, we started with a baby nurse for two and a half weeks.  Then Dave took off work for a week and a half.  Then we hired a night nurse who came two or three times a week for months.  Then we went right to sitter two afternoons a week and now here I am.  I know I can do this on my own and I still have family nearby that helps put all the time.  So, I really don’t mean to sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m scared.  And then being scared makes me feel guilty!  I’ve been so lucky and I genuinely am enjoying being a mom to my twin girls now, which took me a while, so I should be ecstatic to have them all to myself when they’re not in school.

From that line of thinking I can’t stop thinking about what else I should be doing with my life besides just being their mom.  Should I go back to being a guidance counselor?  I’m not really ready to leave the girls full-time.  And as soon as I think about that I realize I should not worry about not having a sitter because I do want to be with them.  But, then I think maybe I should do something part-time.  Dave isn’t pressuring me to go back to work financially at all, which again I know how lucky I am.  But, I can’t help feeling badly that I’m not contributing financially.  And besides that, it would be nice to get out in the real world again, even if it’s just for a few hours a week.  But, once again, the guilt kicks in and I don’t want to really leave them, which again reminds me, its okay not to have a sitter.

Then I have a bunch of other goals that I keep thinking about…I want to run the New York City marathon.  I want to maybe write a book one day.  I want to do some volunteer work. 

Do you get the picture?  My mind is going around in circles and its making me super dizzy.  All I really want to do is enjoy where I am right now, this very minute, writing this blog.  I want to enjoy the time I have with the girls before they’re in school even more full-time.  I just want to stop trying to plan everything and know what’s going to happen.  That’s it.  I’m done.  From now on, I live in the moment and whatever happens, happens.  Stay tuned to see if I stick to this….

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