My Mind is Racing

So, last week I told my lifesaver, my babysitter Emma, that I won’t be using her anymore on a regular basis starting in September.  Dave and I made this decision because the girls will be in a nursery school program four mornings a week, from 9:30-12:15.  We felt this is more than enough time for me to get done errands and the gym and have a break so that I’m super excited to be Kayla and Zoey’s mommy in the afternoons.  At least, this is what Dave believes!  And to be honest, I know he’s right and I can’t justify keeping Emma when literally the girls will be gone from 9:30-12:15, come home for lunch, probably still take a nap until 3 and go to bed between 7 and 8pm.  Or can I?!

I’ve been trying really hard to do just that, rationalize keeping Emma.  But, that has gotten my mind stirring and now I can’t seem to quiet it down.  I can’t stop thinking.  What am I thinking about you might want to know?  Everything and I keep going in circles too!  Someone could totally get lost in my head lately.  Here’s the jist of it though, the best that I can explain it:

I’m super nervous not to have help and I think that is selfish of me, but I just can’t help it!  I have been lucky enough to have help with the girls since they came home from the hospital.  Literally, we started with a baby nurse for two and a half weeks.  Then Dave took off work for a week and a half.  Then we hired a night nurse who came two or three times a week for months.  Then we went right to sitter two afternoons a week and now here I am.  I know I can do this on my own and I still have family nearby that helps put all the time.  So, I really don’t mean to sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m scared.  And then being scared makes me feel guilty!  I’ve been so lucky and I genuinely am enjoying being a mom to my twin girls now, which took me a while, so I should be ecstatic to have them all to myself when they’re not in school.

From that line of thinking I can’t stop thinking about what else I should be doing with my life besides just being their mom.  Should I go back to being a guidance counselor?  I’m not really ready to leave the girls full-time.  And as soon as I think about that I realize I should not worry about not having a sitter because I do want to be with them.  But, then I think maybe I should do something part-time.  Dave isn’t pressuring me to go back to work financially at all, which again I know how lucky I am.  But, I can’t help feeling badly that I’m not contributing financially.  And besides that, it would be nice to get out in the real world again, even if it’s just for a few hours a week.  But, once again, the guilt kicks in and I don’t want to really leave them, which again reminds me, its okay not to have a sitter.

Then I have a bunch of other goals that I keep thinking about…I want to run the New York City marathon.  I want to maybe write a book one day.  I want to do some volunteer work. 

Do you get the picture?  My mind is going around in circles and its making me super dizzy.  All I really want to do is enjoy where I am right now, this very minute, writing this blog.  I want to enjoy the time I have with the girls before they’re in school even more full-time.  I just want to stop trying to plan everything and know what’s going to happen.  That’s it.  I’m done.  From now on, I live in the moment and whatever happens, happens.  Stay tuned to see if I stick to this….

Two's Company, Three's a Crowd!

As a new mom of twins, I was always a little amazed at one question I was constantly asked:  “Are you done?”  Seriously?  I literally had 2 babies a month ago, and already people were asking me about having a third?  My immediate thought at that time was, “Oh my Gd, are you crazy?!”  And the question has seriously not stopped!  My family members, my friends and complete strangers constantly stop and ask me if I plan on having any more children.  Up until this point I have always answered with a very resounding, “NO, I am not having any more children!”  Or I’ll say something like, “If my husband wants more, he can have them with his next wife!”  Or, my favorite response is simply that, “I’m closed for business!”  But, lately, I’ve been thinking…..

No, I still don’t plan on having any more children.  After all, if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I had to go through fertility to have my girls as it is and it was pretty terrible.  Totally worth it, but kind of brutal!  Also, if you remember, I am definitely one of those moms that did not like the baby stage (to put it mildly!)  But, lately, it seems like all of my mommy friends are pregnant, having their second babies, or thinking about becoming pregnant very soon.  So, of course, this got me thinking.  Now that the girls are almost 20 months old and super delicious most of the time, I love being their mommy more and more.  Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times when I still cannot believe I have twins and wonder how I am going to make it through to the next hour.  But, then I do make it, and I end up looking forward to what’s next.  Anyway, now that I know what having a newborn entails, I wonder if I could do it again.  I decided to talk to my husband about this more seriously than we ever have before and this is what we figured out:

I’m happy to report we really are on the same page.  I thought for sure that if I said I wanted a third child, Dave would hop right on board.  But, he honestly feels the same way I do, that right now, there’s no way either of us are ready for a third.  And if I’m being brutally honest with you and myself, one of the biggest reasons I don’t even want to think about having a third is what if I can’t get pregnant on my own again?  Dave and I would get all excited for another baby, have it in our heads that that’s what we want and then not be able to have it.  I absolutely do not want to go through the emotional and physical pain of fertility again.  So, there I’d be, hopes crushed and feeling useless.  No thank you.  I might be playing it safe, but aside from the fact that I cannot imagine managing 2 toddlers and 1 newborn, I don’t want to put me, Dave or our marriage through it right now.

Also, I feel like Dave and I have been extremely lucky!  We have 2 beautiful and smart and happy little girls.  Our family feels complete.  I’ve gotten my body back to what I was before I was pregnant.  Besides from the preeclampsia, I had a wonderful pregnancy and an amazing birth.  I think I’d be scared of something going terribly wrong the next time around.  Almost like we’d be playing with fate when we’ve already won, you know?

So, the next time I’m asked if I’m done, my answer remains the same resounding, “Yes, I’m done.”  But, I guess aside from all these reasons not to, you never really know right?!  Of course I’ll keep you all posted!

First Ear Infection

So, Kayla had her first ear infection these past few days and with the infection came 103.5 fever.  Neither one of my girls have ever had a fever that high.  Needless to say I don’t want to complain too much since they are 19 months and like I said, this was the first ear infection and first high fever.  But, it sucked!  And I mean it totally sucked!!  Not only did I feel so horribly bad for Kayla because she really seemed so sick, but I also felt so badly for Zoey because she didn’t know what to do with herself.  She really tried to help out and I think she really noticed something was wrong with Kayla and knew she needed me and Dave more, but after a while Zoey wanted her share of the attention too.  And, this is of course understandable, but just difficult to accommodate.

Now, I’m sure this sort of thing happens not just with twins, but with siblings of any age.  I think that right now the big difference is that both my girls are at the same age where they are starting to understand so much, but don’t totally get all of it.  Or if they do get it, they ultimately want what they want when they want it.  There’s not too much reasoning I can do at this point.  I try and sometimes it works, but not like you can try to rationalize with say, a 3, 4 or 5 year old.  Of course I’m not saying that trying to rationalize with a kid that age is easy by any means, but like I’ve been saying throughout my blogs, at this point, things like this with twins just seems more difficult. 

Anyway, I think Zoey might have actually enjoyed this more than she originally let on.  Kayla stayed home for the Passover sedars and Dave and I took turns bring Zoey to our respective families.  She was the star of the sedars!  She seemed to love having all the attention and milked it for all it was worth!  She sat at the sedars like an angel, putting her two sense in periodically with an emphatic, “Mommy, Daddy” or “Beep, beep” for entertainment purposes.  She also stayed up later than she ever did before as happy as could be!  Is it wrong that this, while it was deliciously wonderful to witness and hear about, also made me kind of sad?  I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Doesn’t she miss Kayla?”  The only sign I noticed of her possibly realizing Kayla wasn’t with her was when, at my parent’s house my cousin asked where Kayla was and Zoey looked around with a confused and worried expression.  But then she saw my dad who calls, “Umpa,” and all was right with the world.  I make sure I tell the girls they are each other’s best friends every day and I kind of felt badly that the girls were separated and didn’t seem to care.  I can rationalize Kayla’s response to being delirious and sick, but I wished Zoey felt a little bit badly that Kayla was nowhere to be found!

Anyway, Kayla is finally on the mend, no fever for 2 days, but still on her antibiotic.  But, the girls are definitely back to being best friends and fighting with each other over everything so it’s normal again!  We actually went out to lunch today with our best friends, Jess and her son Jack, and the kids did the cutest thing:  They were each sitting in a high chair all next to each other and first Zoey grabbed Kayla’s hand, then she grabbed Jack’s hand and the three kids sat like that for a minute.  Then, they did it again and again!  It was delicious!